Two nights of stayover at baby's place to look after him. He had high fever of 39.7. I don't know if it was the plan from up above that scheduled him to fall sick just when the relationship was hit rock bottom. It gave me the chance to look after him and got him back. Was it such a coincidence? I don't know. But I guess whoever up above really thought I needed this chance to "redeem" myself.
It was a horrible day that day. I remembered. I had a presentation and I was having a cyber quarrel. My presentation went very well, my prof like my style of presenting. For a moment it got me away from my cyber life, when I got back to my seat, it started again. It was the last day of school, the clock struck noon and everyone burst out of the class room and breathed in the first air of 1 week holidays. I sat in class, still fighting. I tried very hard to hold back my tears.
I admit, I couldn't think carefully what I wanted or was going to do the next second. I just wanted to have everything back so badly. I lost myself, I didn't know myself. The clothes I prepared to change was sitting in my locker. I changed out of my presentation outfit.
Where do I go now?
I walked to city hall, half hoping a car would bang me down but not kill me, enough to land me in hospital for a few days for superficial wounds. All these while, I thought very hard, how do I get him back? Blame my character for wanting things back to where they were as aoon as possible. I knew very clearly I overreacted and my reason was sound to me but not to him. I was jealous, I was insecure, above all, I was upset. Pearlyn was constantly beeping on my phone. Thank God I had her. I must have sent a zillion msgs to her cuz my phone was getting laggy.
I hopped on the train towards Joo Koon. I reached Clementi, I should have alighted but I didn't. Instead, I went all the way to Joo Koon and took the train back to Clementi. I cannot justify why I did that. I was that spaced out and that soul-less. I could really feel myself looking at myself, looking at the pathetic thing sitting over there. I waited for 3 buses before boarding the 4th. I sat by the stone bench while everyone at the bus stop walked past me. It was 1 plus and it was so hot but I was breaking out in cold sweat. I did not know what I was doing.
I reached SIM. The journey felt like rocket speed. My heart was racing for all the wrong reasons. It was 140, I remembered. I shocked the girl when I told her I was at SIM. Can I say I shocked myself too? Yes I did.
I could feel my tears coming but I held back. I didn't know if I would enter the campus or sit out for 3 hours or go somewhere. I wondered where the car would come from and what I would do if I saw it. I felt sweaty by then and I told the girl that I feel like I had lost myself. Her reply came and I felt the obedience of my tears giving way.
And then, I saw it. Coming down from the opposite direcction, waiting for a U-turn. Oh that car that I would happily get my butt in everytime. That feeling of xin fu and jiao ao that I am the "lady boss." (You know how happy I get sitting in the car. I think other people are sitting it more than me now but what can I say?) But that day, I hurried and hid behind a wall. I didn't want to see it or him. No, actually I wanted to very much but I could't bring myself to. The feeling of someone piercing a dagger in my heart and twisting it came so hard. Till today, I didn't know if he saw me. Was it his intention to not reply at all and leave me waiting stupidly?
It was such a mockery.
I felt worse than a failed clown.
I lost all value of myself, right there at that bench. And I wished a car would lose control and hit me right there and then. It's like an equivilant of cheap but in another form. Nevermind if no one understands that. My tears did me well. They gave way right at the moment when a cab came to my rescue. I could feel people looking at me and thinking back, I wished I looked at them and remember their faces so that I can gorge their eyes out the next time I ever see them. Haven't they seen a sad person crying before? Haven't they had friends who in one way or another faced difficulties in a relationship? Basturds.
My intention was to grab clothes from his place and go off to somewhere. So I told the uncle Kembangnan. I cried so hard and so long, from Clementi to Kemb. One PIE exit to another, one trafic light to the next. I didn't have a care in the world if anyone would see me or what the uncle thought. I doubt I'll sit in his cab again anyway. I can openly admit that I had very negative thoughts in me. I never knew feeling lousy could be so massive. I didn't care that my eyeliner and mascara was all over my cheeks, I just needed to give my tears the space to flow.
I was struggling with myself at every second. I couldn't prioritise what was important, what step I should take. In fact, at this moment, I couldn't recall exactly the details of what happened. I just knew I was in a mess.
Something happened then. It suddenly struck me that my life is not useless. I am not playing the game of life. I am the life. And I want what I want in my life. I cleared up the tears as I exited Eunos. I hid within the four walls on the second floor, still struggling to reel my catch back in. I knew if I lost it, I would be the worse fisherman ever.
When he came back, everything was silent. I was screaming in my heart multiple sorrys and I love yous but my mouth was sealed with embarassment.
The later part of the evening was the start of my 2 nights nursing him. It was and I never realised until I left Sunday night that it was the arrangement made from above (as how I want to believe in) to salvage the hearts of two.
And it starts now.
I know my sorry has lost its value but when I say I want to work it back, I mean every single word I say.
Take my hand, walk me out of this.
I want to go back to those days again.
I'm sure you do too, right baby?
12:40 AM