i felt that it could have been better.
but i guess i was just pms-ing, thats why.
it feels funny coming home at 9pm on a saturday night with no one at home.
i hardly can be free during weekends unless my parents are overseas.
so i guess that was why i felt like it was a wasted chance.
of cuz i knew i couldnt be so selfish and say don't go.
im learning to be a good good gf. and so, i gave in to that checkpoint and customs for a race last night.

i hoped for a picnic actually but somehow, it was such coincidence that this weekend was a busy one.
so nothing could be planned.
no stay-overs in the end.
i just wanted to be of good company.
time is so precious.

its a sunday afternoon but there's no sun today.
i cant even explain how i am feeling.
but i want to say that i am proud to be able to not demand things anymore, to not want it my way, to not throw tantrums and to be a considerate and understanding gf :)

i was thinking back on my previous r/s and i really changed a lot in the way i treat my partner and my attitude, i guess only me myself know it and i hope that it is enough.

i don't know what i am driving at in this post. i know it all inside me but i just cant put in out in words. and i somehow feel constrained. im supposed to go down kallang now but i dont feel like all of a sudden.

the old me would throw a tantrum now and ignore the consequences.
its so easy to just say a few affecting words to spoil someone's day.
that's childish, but i admit that was how i wanted things to be done my way in the past sometimes.
it was easy but i realised after multiple attempts, i still wasn't satisfied.
in fact, after getting what i wanted, i felt worse. cuz i knew i got it at the expense of someone else's reluctance.
so after time has past, i finally knew how to be happy without having what i want to make me happy.
it took me a while to grasp that feeling despite me being such a emotional person.
but i finally learnt.

this is tough.
i shall not attempt to say further.
it'll only make me feel worse.
and you know what, i think i might still be pms-ing.

1:38 PM