DEAR DIARY:

and so it is, just like how i thought it would be. its not the same this time to start off. the time seemed to have just flew past, it came as fast as it went.

17th aug, 0000 hrs
24 hours of nostalgia. the welcoming one hour was soaked in the abscence of ur love, replaced by the lost love. august 17 was a far cry from last year's. a supposedly 6 years didnt come true cuz of a decision 6 mths ago. the clock striked 12 on the 17th. another day has arrived. emotions took me past the last 6 years, enveloping me in the memories. ur words left me an impact so great that i could not control. my heart was overworked, my mind was spinning and my tears never stopped.

17 aug 0020 hrs
u asked me to listen to the song and it made me crumble more. it totally swept me away with the flow of my emotions. the mind had no control over the heart. i broke down, i really did. i never felt so empty. the phone call didnt help for it made her miss much more that she could carry. i tried so hard to talk to u normally as u explained the lyrics. but did u noe, over the phone, i was controlling my emotional cries and my shaky voice, i didnt want u to noe i was broken. those streaks of memories broke the healing process. that song kept replaying inside me, it speaks so much of us. it was as tho all the numbness had ceased to exist, every part of me was hurt by my own actions 6 mths ago. i felt like i brought it all upon myself. i wanted to run and scream and shout, i felt so injured by u. u were the cure n yet, the poison too. the life i led, every turning point boils down to u, weisheng. and finally with those eyes that once filled with only u, gave way. unknowingly, i lost every part of myself to you, back to you mr ng.

17 aug 2130 hrs
i opened my cupboard. i read the letters and cards once more. and i saw those letters which i tore up in anger and the cd which u lend to me, was broken into two. i rmbed, it was supposed to be part of my valentine's day gift to u this year. it never reached you. cuz we never met that day. have u felt that feeling of regret which really pricks u every minute as u hated urself for doing things in the spur of moment? i felt it. i did. tears followed after.

17 aug 2352 hrs
things never ended there. despite my ticketing test the next day, for once, i wished time would go faster and quicken its pace till it was midnight. i havent studied a single thing, i was 10 hours to my paper but it seemed so long cuz i was 8 mins to smtg more important. 17 aug gave up that importance to 18th. i wanted to be the first to wish u. i dunno if i succeeded and i didnt wan to noe.

18 aug 0000 hrs
happy birthday mr ng. but u didnt answer my call the first time. so i msged u. when i called the 2nd, u still nv answer. the planned surprise failed. i lost that punch of energy with every min that passed. i could still recall our celebrations every year. 2004 was the best ever. cuz i realised how much u really meant to me. losing you to someone else never made me feel better. its was tt year that i learnt to love. u taught me that mr ng, do u noe? u always say tt i taught u to be someone better but ur significance to me had taught me more although things still ended eventually. could u still remember all our years spent tgt? darlin', keep the memories will you?

18 aug 2130 hrs
my heart raced this time for a differenct reason. i was going to see you, face to face. i had been wishing for this moment to come but when it could finally come true, i wanted to back out. i was scared, not of you but myself. everything lasted for less den 20 mins. i wished time could stop there. seeing u eating the cake, opening the present, wearing it. i dunno if u were happy, if ur heart was smiling. mine was. time was not on our side. u had frequent calls and i felt so wasted. i could only watch and not play a part. do u noe how excluded i felt? i was helpless yet thankful. i miss it all. and the more i miss, the more i treasure. the more i treasure, the more i cant let go. the more i cant let go, the more i cant move on. u were so near yet so far. how true can this phrase get?

18 aug 2150 hrs
it was time. i had to go. i took a mental photograph and a mental video of everything. thats all that i have to take with me. this comes to the final point, a test of the heart. that hug was priceless. u noe how we oways hate ourselves for taking things for granted.. when we had it, we didnt treasure, when we lost it, we blame ourselves and profusely ask ourself why we behaved in that way and that we would exchange anything to get it back? u noe that feeling of self resentment? i felt it. i did.

18 aug 2150 hrs and 15 secs
now let me ask again, have u then cherished so much of that smtg u once took for granted and when u were given a second chance to take it, u felt like a little girl drawn to sweets. all u wanted was to savour the wonderful sweets all at one go at that moment, for fear that if u didnt, it would be taken by someone else? i felt it. i did. that priceless hug lasted for less than a min. i took a physical memory of it. u swept me off my feet. i could feel my eyes getting watery. i had to go. i didnt want u to see the broken side of me. i knew very well that it could be the last time that i could have u so close to me. letting go was the last thing on my mind.

18 aug 2151 hrs
for once, i sent u home, right to ur lift. with the only thing that separates us being the lift door. i stood outside and u stood inside. and i thought, "this is it. goodbye." and i never know wen i'll ever get so near u again. my heart raced again. this time, it was because it knew its gonna be all gone forever. now, have u felt that feeling of despair and sadness wen u didnt get the sweets in the end? for u were late, someone bought it and now owned it. it slipped out of ur hands, u were so close. i felt it. i did. i was left with the last second of memory. i saw ur face slowly being covered by the blue sliding lift door. in a split second, u were gone. and suddenly, my feet was back to the ground. it was as tho i thought i nv had feet to step foot into reality. i saw myself standing there, caught in numbness, rooted at that tile on the ground. u were gone, mr ng.


and so it is, just like how i thought it would be. its not the same this time to start off. the time seemed to have just flew past, it came as fast as it went. tears were my constant company all these while. mg ng, i hoped u had a wonderful birthday. words are useless when it comes to expressing my thoughts for you cuz wen it comes to u, its more than words.

0036 hours

20 aug 2006

10:43 PM