another week has past and its been quite a week actually.. many thoughts i had over the weekends despite my puny head. owells, life.

skipped ob tut on fri and went to meet rene for lunch.. headed over to her place and brian came over. haha funny but her home seems to be like my home.. just go in and put my stuff anywhr i want and lie on her bed.. oh yah, me n her slpt tgt *grins* haha.. dun get dirty ppl. in the end, i decided to be hardworking so i use brian's laptop to do my fashion research and my proj work while e two of them slept(on separate beds tt is.) anws, we headed down to had dinner at city hall den went to barcelona for drinks and gambled.. wahaha i was the overall winner for big2.. maybe i shld go n learn and be a banker den work in a casino next tym.. haha den promte myself and constantly train my skills and start join gambling competitions den i get to throw chips in denominations of $1000 and get the feel of being a pro gambler.. cool eh.? later, didnt join rene to club cuz i was being a gd kid to go home.. hahah.. ya right.

instead, saturday after my grandma bday, i went liquidroom with erica n myra.. our first tym clubbing after so long. didnt really enjoy tho. saw angie there too.. anws, after tt kk came to send me home. went to the beach before tt and stayed till the early morn. i was so glad for the talk, n i felt much better telling someone abt it.. i knew this conversation would come one day. u noe wad makes life difficult and interesting? its the turns, the never ending turns u get. hais.. life. have u ever had the feeling of dreaming smtg so badly tt u want it to happen so much but yet when it could come true, u dun want it anymore. its like the life long anticipation slowly withers like a flower, petal by petal until the very last one.

5 mths had past since the breakup. ups n downs i had many and emotions were plenty. how far more till i can really forget it all? almost, perhaps. almost. i just need one more test of my stand and im ready to go and accept things as they come. i noe some wld ask me how could i forget it all and move on.. n doesnt the 5 years mean anything? it does mean something to me. n it will forever mean smtg. but hey, i cant possibly just wait here till the day e memories r gone cuz tt day will nv come. do i sound unfeeling tt dere is someone hurt out dere but yet im getting along fine? i learnt smtg. u are responsible for how u want to feel. and if ppl cant accept things, no matter how hard u try, ultimately it depends on e individual. no doubt i'll feel better if he n i both moved on to find someone else, but if he doesnt try to move on cuz he still sticks to whr he is, den is it den my fault? no. i can go on explaining n explaining but i see no point cuz as long as i noe it myself, tts fine, oh and God too. :)

there is smtg abt me tt i dun get it. i feel bad if one day fall in love agn. prolly cuz its my very first break up and i dunno myself whether i have really forgotten someone. i have different kinds of friends. the way me n rene are and the way me n sickos are, are different. but one thing tts still e same is the trueness(if there is such a word) of our friendship :) back to topic, wells, wad he thinks of me still matters a bit to me. but wait, shld i even care wad he thinks abt me? wad is wrong with me in getting all soft hearted wen i knew he didnt exactly respect me as a girl. dammit kelly. y are u like this eveytym. getting all angry and upset and crying night after night and after tt, getting all sad and soft hearted wen he doesnt even care a shit abt u wen u were freaking scared and trembling in the first place.

thus, ive decided. im gonna take things to a step higher. ive been contemplating for quite some tym cuz i cannot afford to get hurt agn. i'll take things slow this tym, anyway, who said to be in a hurry?

i ran thru the fields searching for tranquil, away from the complications of the heart. Try as i might while running, but no, i couldnt run without getting hurt. My legs grew tired from time to time, running too fast in attempt to find back those smiling days. i couldnt do it alone cuz i noe the power of one is nth compared to the power of God. I didnt expect to find anything thru the fields as i was frantically searching for a healing place. But u nv know what God has in stored for u. i was searching so hard for the rainbow tt i missed out the answer to end my shades of grey. im glad tt u didnt give up. i really am. thank you for making me smile again. :)

10:57 PM